Weekend Update on Male Birth Control – SNL


>>>A CATHOLIC CHURCH IN SAN
DIEGO WARNED PARISHIONERS THAT THEY WILL GO TO HELL IF THEY
VOTE FOR DEMOCRATS. HERE TO COMMENT ON THE STATE OF
THE ELECTION IS CHURCH LADY. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>HELLO. THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME ON YOUR
LITTLE MIDNIGHT SHINDIG. WHAT A DELIGHTFUL JOB YOU HAVE,
DON’T YOU? INSTEAD OF RESTING UP FOR CHURCH
YOU STAY UP LATE MAKING JOKES ABOUT ANTHONY’S WEINER.
[ LAUGHTER ] NOT QUITE THE PATH OF JESUS, IS
IT? [ LAUGHTER ]
>>I THINK JESUS APPRECIATES A GOOD JOKE.
>>YES, JESUS LOVES A GOOD JOKE. SO THAT WOULD LEAVE YOU OUT OF
THE EQUATION.>>I THOUG WE HAD SOME FUN
JOKES. THEY WERE ALL RIGHT.
>>WELL, ISN’T THAT SPECIAL? [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>OKAY. WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ABOUT
THIS ELECTION?>>WELL, WE HAVE A TOUGH CHOICE
ON TUESDAY, DON’T WE, COLIN? DO WE VOTE FOR A BITTER FEMALE
ANDROID FROM THE ’90s OR A RIVERBOAT GAMBLER WITH A BIG
TUMMY AND AN ORANGE HEAD? [ LAUGHTER ]
>>SO YOU HAVEN’T CHOSEN A CANDIDATE YET?
>>WELL, JESUS IS NOT ON THE BALLOT, COLIN.
I SUPPOSE HE’S NOT PART OF YOUR LIFE EITHER, IS HE?
BECAUSE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE IN HOLLYWOOD YOU’RE A HOMOSEXUAL.
[ LAUGHTER ]>>WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING?
I’M ACTUALLY NOT GAY. [ LAUGHTER ]
>>YOU DO GOOD JOKES, COLIN. SERIOUSLY.
STAY THERE. STAY IN THE CUPBOARD.
>>OKAY.>>COLIN, BY MY COUNT THERE ARE
ONLY THREE CELEBRITIES LEFT WHO AREN’T HOMOSEXUALS.
JIM PARSONS, NEIL PATRICK HARRIS, AND THE
WONDERFUL NATHAN LANE. [ LAUGHTER ]
>>ACTUALLY ALL OF THEM ARE GAY.>>WELL, NEWS FLASH.
>>WHY DON’T WE FOCUS ON THE ELECTION.
>>FOCUS ON THE ELECTION. TUESDAY.
YES. ABSOLUTELY.
WHO ARE YOU GOING TO SUPPORT?>>ME?
>>I SUPPOSE YOU WILL WRITE IN YOUR FAVORITE CANDIDATE —
SATAN! SURPRISED YOU, DIDN’T I?
>>I DIDN’T KNOW YOU WERE GOING TO SAY SATAN.
I THOUGHT GARY JOHNSON.>>DON’T MAKE ME DO IT AGAIN.
>>I’M NOT VOTING FOR SATAN.>>OH, WELL, WELL, WELL.
JUST A LATE NIGHT COMIC WITH A BELLY FULL OF BOOZE AND A
DRESSING ROOM FULL OF WHORES. [ LAUGHTER ]
YOU’RE DRUNK RIGHT NOW, AREN’T YOU?
>>NO.>>YES, YOU ARE.
>>LITTLE BUZZED. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
SMOKING THE POT, AREN’T WE? [ LAUGHTER ]
SUCKING ON THE DEVIL’S CIGARETTE.
>>NO.>>YOU’RE NOT THE CRISPIEST CHIP
IN THE BAG.>>IS THERE ANYTHING OUT THERE
RIGHT NOW THAT YOU ACTUALLY DO LIKE?
>>”WESTWORLD.” [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
>>I LOVE THAT SHOW. I’M SURPRISED YOU LIKE IT.
>>WHAT’S NOT TO LIKE? NAKED COWBOYS FORNICATING.
THEY SHOULD HAVE JUST CALLED IT WEST HOLLYWOOD.
TOO SOON? SOMETIMES I LOOK AROUND AND I
THINK TO MYSELF WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD.
♪♪♪>>YOU’RE NOT GOING TO SING, ARE
YOU? ♪ I SEE SKIES OF BLUE
RED ROSES, TOO I SEE THEM BLOOM
FOR ME AND YOU ♪ ♪ AND I THINK TO MYSELF
WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD ♪ YES, I THINK TO MYSELF ♪
♪ WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD ♪>>CHURCH LADY, EVERYONE.
>>THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>>>A COUPLE IN RUSSIA INVITED A
BEAR TO BE A WITNESS AT THEIR WEDDING.
THERE WERE NO SURVIVORS.>>A GROUP OF MEN WERE
CRITICIZED FOR DROPPING OUT OF A MALE BIRTH CONTROL STUDY BECAUSE
OF SIDE EFFECTS LIKE HEADACHES, MOOD SWINGS AND ACNE.
YOU SEE, THIS IS WHY WOMEN NEED TO BE IN FULL CONTROL OF ALL
REPRODUCTIVE RIGHTS. BECAUSE MEN AREN’T GOING TO TAKE
BIRTH CONTROL BECAUSE PREGNANCY DOESN’T AFFECT OUR BODIES.
WHEN A WOMAN GETS PREGNANT SHE HAS TO DECIDE WHETHER OR NOT
SHE WANTS A HUMAN BEING TO GROW INSIDE HER.
MEANWHILE I GET NINE MONTHS TO DECIDE WHETHER TO BUY A STROLLER
OR A BUS TICKET. [ LAUGHTER ]
USUALLY STROLLER. MEN WOULDN’T CARE ABOUT SIDE
EFFECTS IF IT DID SOMETHING GOOD FOR US.
CIALIS COULD CAUSE BLINDNESS AND YOU’D STILL HEAR HORNY OLD BLIND
DUDES RIDING AROUND IN THE STREETS LOOKING FOR ASS.
[ LAUGHTER ] WHAT WOMAN WOULD EVEN TRUST A
DUDE TO KEEP UP WITH BIRTH CONTROL?
IF A GUY IS RESPONSIBLE ENOUGH TO KEEP UP WITH HIS BIRTH
CONTROL HE WOULDN’T NEED IT BECAUSE HE’D PROBABLY MAKE A
GREAT FATHER. [ LAUGHTER ]
>>>THIS SUNDAY IS THE NEW YORK CITY MARATHON.
THE MARATHON IS A GREAT CHANCE FOR FOREIGNERS TO PRACTICE
RUNNING FOR THEIR LIVES. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>>FINALLY, IT IS A SPECIAL NIGHT ON “WEEKEND UPDATE.”
WITH US TONIGHT ARE THE WINNERS OF OUR FIRST EVER “THE VOICE”
CONTEST. LET’S MEET THE WINNERS RIGHT
NOW. ♪ BUT NOT THE NBC VOICE ♪
>>INTRODUCE YOURSELVES FOR THE VIEWERS AT HOME.
>>I’M ANTHONY RIZZO. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>I’M DAVID ROSS. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>AND I AM DEXTER FOWLER. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>>I’M BILL MURRAY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>>OKAY.
ALL RIGHT. GUYS, CAN YOU PLEASE PUT INTO
WORDS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO BE NAMED THE FIRST WINNERS OF
“WEEKEND UPDATE” “THE VOICE” CONTEST?
>>IT’S UNBELIEVABLE.>>I CAN’T DESCRIBE IT.
>>THIS IS THE BEST THING WE HAVE EVER DONE.
>>YOU ON THE END, YOU LOOK FAMILIAR.
DID YOU USED TO WORK HERE?>>I DID.
>>I KNEW IT.>>BUT THAT WAS SO MANY
LIFETIMES AGO. RIGHT NOW FOR ME IT’S ALL ABOUT
OUR MUSIC.>>AND WHAT SONG WILL YOU BE
PERFORMING FOR US?>>IT IS AN ORIGINAL COMPOSITION
ENTITLED “GO CUBS GO ♪>>THAT SOUNDS FANTASTIC.
>>WHO ARE THESE GUYS?>>THOSE ARE THE BACKUP SINGERS.
WE DIDN’T KNOW IT WAS AGAINST THE RULES.
>>WE’LL OVER LOOK IT. TAKE IT AWAY, GUYS.
♪♪♪ GO CUBS GO
GO CUBS GO ♪>>FOR WEEKEND UPDATE I’M
COLIN JOST.>>AND I’M MICHAEL CHE,
GOODNIGHT! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

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