Weekend Update on a Stolen Pet-Sitting Van – SNL

Weekend Update on a Stolen Pet-Sitting Van – SNL


>>THE OWNER OF A PET-SITTING
OPERATION HAD HIS VAN STOLEN WITH 16 DOGS STILL INSIDE,
STARRING KEVIN JAMES. [ LAUGHTER ]
>>KELLOGG’S ANNOUNCED THAT IT PULLED ITS ADVERTISING FROM THE
BREITBART WEBSITE SAYING, “THE ALT-RIGHT WEBSITE DOES NOT ALIGN
WITH THEIR VALUES AS A COMPANY.” I DON’T KNOW, KELLOGG’S MAKES
KASHI GO LEAN CRUNCH, AND THAT’S MAYBE THE WHITEST PRODUCT IN
HISTORY. [ LAUGHTER ]
>>A NEW APP HAS LAUNCHED THAT LETS PEOPLE BOYCOTT BUSINESSES
OWNED BY DONALD TRUMP. THE APP’S CALLED, “BEING POOR.”
[ LAUGHTER ]>>THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT HAS
APPROVED A PLAN THAT WOULD BAN SMOKING IN PUBLIC HOUSING ACROSS
THE COUNTRY. WHICH IS A HORRIBLE IDEA.
YOU KNOW HOW STRESSFUL IT IS TO LIVE IN THE PROJECTS?
I CAN TELL YOU, IT’S LIKE PRISON EXCEPT YOU DIDN’T DO ANYTHING
WRONG, AND YOU CAN SMOKE IN PRISON.
HOW DO YOU EVEN PLAN ON ENFORCING THIS LAW?
YOU THINK A GHETTO TIPSTER’S GOING TO CALL YOU LIKE, “THIS IS
FREDDY AND I’D LIKE TO REPORT CIGARETTE SMOKE IN CRACKHOUSE
ON FLOOR B”? THEY’RE SAYING THIS BECAUSE
CIGARETTES ARE A HEALTH RISK BUT YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS A HEALTH
RISK? LIVING IN THE PROJECTS.
[ LAUGHTER ] HEATING YOUR APARTMENT WITH YOUR
OVEN IS A HEALTH RISK. LETTING A PITBULL BABYSIT YOUR
TODDLER IS A HEALTH RISK. HAVING A HOSPITAL BED IN YOUR
LIVING ROOM IS A HEALTH RISK. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THE WORST
HEALTH RISK OF ALL IS? GETTING EVICTED.
YEAH. BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT’S GOING TO
HAPPEN. THEY’RE GOING TO RENOVATE THOSE
BUILDINGS AND SELL THEM TO MILLIONAIRES AND YOU KNOW WHAT
THEY’RE GOING TO DO IN THOSE BUILDINGS, THOSE MILLIONAIRES?
COKE. [ LAUGHTER ]
>>THOUGHT HE WAS GOING TO SAY “SMOKE.”
>>POLICE IN CANADA WILL SOON START MAKING PEOPLE CAUGHT
DRINKING AND DRIVING LISTEN TO NICKELBACK.
SO LET THIS BE A LESSON TO ALL YOU DRUNK DRIVERS OUT THERE,
MAKE SURE THE CRASH KILLS YOU. [ LAUGHTER ]
>>MAKE SURE?>>MAKE SURE.
>>NEW RESEARCH SHOWS THAT THE PREHUMAN LUCY PROBABLY LIVED IN
TREES. SO EITHER PREHUMANS WERE MORE
APE-LIKE THAN PREVIOUSLY THOUGHT, OR THAT BITCH CRAY.
[ LAUGHTER ] WELL.
[ LAUGHTER ] THE ONE BEFORE IT.
>>YOU FOUGHT FOR IT.>>CHE WROTE THAT.
>>WELL, ’90s NOSTALGIA IS STILL GROWING AS A TV TREND WITH
REBOOTS LIKE “FULLER HOUSE” AND “GILMORE GIRLS.”
HERE TO COMMENT IS RACHEL FROM “FRIENDS”!
♪♪♪>>HI, OH YEAH, HI!
OH COLIN, YEAH, HI! OH!
>>HI, RACHEL, HOW ARE YOU?>>OH, YOU KNOW, I’M — YOU
KNOW, I’M, I’M — I’M GOOD!>>WOW.
NOW WHY DO YOU THINK PEOPLE ARE SO NOSTALGIC FOR THE ’90s?
>>OH, YEAH, THE ’90s ARE GREAT. YOU KNOW, YOU GO TO WORK, YOU GO
ON DATES, AND YOU GO TO CAFES WITH YOUR FRIENDS AND YOU ALL
SIT FACING THE CAMERA, YEAH. YEAH!
OH, HEY, YOU KNOW JOEY HAD A REALLY, REALLY BAD AUDITION.
AND WE’RE ALL GOING TO TALK ABOUT IT TONIGHT AT THE BOY
APARTMENT. YEAH, YOU SHOULD — YOU SHOULD
COME. ♪♪♪
>>OH, NO. OH — I BURNED THESE COOKIES,
MOM IS GOING TO KILL ME! OH!
OH, OH, YEAH, OH. [ LAUGHTER ]
>>WHAT JUST HAPPENED? WHAT WAS THAT?
>>WHAT? OH, YEAH, YEAH, I DON’T KNOW.
I THINK THAT JUST HAPPENS WHEN I SAY A SENTENCE THAT — THAT
SOUNDS COMPLETE. LIKE I’LL SEE YOU TONIGHT, DON’T
BE LATE. ♪♪♪
OH, COLIN! OH, YOU SCARED ME.
I WAS JUST IN THE SHOWER. OH!
>>WHAT?>>WHAT?
WHAT? OH, YEAH, WELL, WHAT, OH, YEAH,
WELL, YEAH, WELL, WHAT? OH, YOU KNOW, WELL, WHAT?
OH, YEAH. WELL, WHAT?
OH. YEAH.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>VANESSA. VANESSA.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?>>WHAT?
OH WHAT, YEAH? HI —
>>CAN YOU JUST DROP THAT FOR A SECOND?
>>YEAH. [ LAUGHTER ]
>>VANESSA, COME ON.>>SORRY, JEN.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?>>WHAT?
FOR THE LAST 12 DAYS YOU’VE BEEN TEXTING ME EVERY DAY TO COME
VISIT YOU. LISTEN, HONEY, I KNOW THAT YOU
LOVE “FRIENDS.” AND WE HAD SUCH A GREAT TIME
MAKING OUR MOVIE TOGETHER. BUT YOU’VE GOT TO REALLY TRY TO
STOP TEXTING ME EVERY DAY.>>YEAH, NO, I JUST TEXTED YOU
BECAUSE I THOUGHT WE COULD HANG, BECAUSE I DON’T KNOW, I THINK
YOU’RE LIKE THE BEST.>>THAT’S SO SWEET, HONEY, YOU
ARE TOO. BUT — YOU KNOW, “FRIENDS” BASS
LIKE FIVE MILLION AND FIVE YEARS AGO.
SO I THINK WE’VE JUST GOT TO MOVE ON.
>>WELL, I DON’T KNOW. I JUST — I THOUGHT BECAUSE I —
I DO THIS GREAT BIT AS RACHEL. SO.
[ LAUGHTER ]>>IS IT A GREAT BIT, THOUGH?
I MEAN, ALL IT — KIND OF JUST SOUNDS LIKE ALL YOU’RE DOING IS
LIKE, WHAT, OH, WHAT, ME, OH WOW, NO, I, WHAT, WHAT, WHAT?
IS IT LIKE THIS, WHAT?>>NO, YES, WHAT?
>>VANESSA –>>I, WHAT, NO —
>>I DON’T DO THAT. WHAT, NO —
>>OH, WHAT? ROSS, ROSS, ROSS!
[ LAUGHTER ]>>OH, ALL RIGHT, FINE.
YOU WANT TO GO GRAB SOME NACHOS AFTER THE SHOW?
>>OH, YEAH, THAT’S RIGHT. YOU LOVE MEXICAN.
THAT’S MY FAVORITE TOO. I’D LOVE TO.
I’LL SEE YOU THERE! ♪♪♪
>>WAIT. HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN?
IT’S SO JARRING.>>WHAT?
>>I DO NOT SOUND LIKE THAT.>>YES, NO, WHAT?
>>JENNIFER ANISTON AND RACHEL, EVERYONE!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] “WEEKEND UPDATE,” I’M COLIN
JOST.>>I’M MICHAEL CHE!
♪♪♪ [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

100 Replies to “Weekend Update on a Stolen Pet-Sitting Van – SNL”

  1. I would seriously choose to spend a year in jail. Over listening to 1 Nickelback song. I'm pretty sure that being forced to listen to Nickelback, is against the Geneva Convention.

  2. * * * In contrast to the class, elegance, and sophistication, of President Barack Obama and his stunning wife First Lady Michelle this is what dreadful level the Trumps have dragged The United States of America DOWN to. * * * I have just returned from extensive business travel in Europe and people in other countries are still hysterical about the appearance of Donny & Malania Trump's trailer trash appearance & conduct when visiting The Queen of England. Foreign business associates invited me to a pub that entertained via big screen TV's showing actual footage of world leaders with hilarious captions added. The club owner told me that Trump with his "unmade bed appearance" and Mylonia's silicon bowling ball breast implants, as well as the world population loathing them, patrons are requesting the Trump's exclusively ! The tavern was filled with laughter during video of the Frump' s visit during Queen Elizabeth's inspection of The Guard. Trump was a total slob, hideous hair, tan from a can, fat ass, abdominal cellulite sloppily protruding, rumpled attire, on and on. And he had no clue as to what is proper conduct in the presence of actual royalty as he waddled like a duck his obesity eclipsing Her Majesty during the inspection. And her look of discust was identical to that of the vast world population, especially Americans when seeing the Trump's total lack of poise. Then we have his Mrs. with her "Putin-esque" Russian sounding accent, hideously oversized silicon breast implants, Botox pumped lips, (she could French kiss a moose) while wearing a grossly undersized, passe pastel pink outfit. When Malania (a college dropout, and "chain immigrant") was filmed from behind the skirt was so tight that the every detail of her deformed ass was completely visible. Simply vulgar. (you can't polish a Turd). I have never been more embarrassed to be an American in my entire life. OiVey !

  3. * * * My comment pertains to the FOX (faux news) report via YouTube on 8/27/18 Tiger Wood Loves Donald J. Trump. Faux is the French definition for fake. I explained it for "the base" as they are unfamiliar with Webster's. > It behooves Tiger Woods & Donny J. T. to emalgamate (members of the "base," fetch your dictionaries) as they are of the kindred spirit because they belong to the minority group of VILE, DESPICABLE, CHEATING PHILANDERERING HUSBANDS. If a man dishonors his wife and has a total disregard for his wedding vows and very basic human decency, he is by far a subjacent human being, devoid of a real soul. This catagoirization definitely includes former President William Cllnton, therefore my comment cannot be misconstrued as politically motivated. If any man will lie to and deceive his own wife there is absolutely no way that he can be trusted, PERIOD. All three of the "horn dogs" mentioned above certainly ignored the example set by the preceiding men of honor George W. Bush and Barack Obama, men who remained forever loyal to their spouses & our nation. Respectable , dignified, and loyal men that our country desperately needs now (especially as the antidote for Trumpism ) are definitely elusive. Trump has true, loving, husbands such as myself wondering how any voter with an IQ above 50 can support such dreadfully vile, cheating, schmendricks. Ladies, please believe me sincere, true, honorable, men, loathe these dreadful specimens of the male gender. They are simply "smegma" in the eyes of good men. OiVey !

  4. Damn! You two are on fire tonight! All the Projects jokes, Nickelback and Lucy cra-cra! Feels like the gloves have come off. Good stuff.
    Peace, Regan 🌈 from NorCal

  5. Smoking should be prohibited EVERYWHERE, INDOORS AND OUT!

    SNL has been a major WHORE for the tobacco drug, since day one.

    http://medicolegal.tripod.com/tobaccomurder.htm

  6. The Rachel bit got off to a good start, but then right before the guests, Vanessa was really running it into the ground.

  7. Uhmmmm… what’s wrong with a pit bull babysitting your kids? That’s what WHITE POEPLE ORIGINALLY BREED THEM FOR!!! 🙄

  8. If Kevin James starred as a thief who stole a dog sitting van was an actual movie, I’d fucking watching it. That’s just too interesting to ignore

  9. Is it bad that I'd rather have had a few more minutes of Vanessa Bayer's Rachel than actual Jennifer Aniston being around?

  10. I love how these weekend update videos are always titled like reverse click bait- the funniest and most memorable part of the sketch is never in the title, so you watch a random video expecting nothing and receive comedy gold 😂😂😂😂

  11. 0:38 Probably because of fires… most fires in housing like that starts that way, it's to save lives of people. Just smoke outside like everyone smart does

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