Trump Makes Up With Canada, Melania Goes To Africa


WELCOME TO “THE LATE SHOW,”
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. I’M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HEY — YOU KNOW WHAT THAT SOUNDS LIKE? THAT SOUNDS LIKE A FRIDAY CROWD
TO ME RIGHT THERE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
RIGHT THERE. ( PIANO RIFF )
THAT’S ELECTRIC! THIS ROOM IS SOAKED WITH
GASOLINE. THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE
BEEN TALKING ABOUT KAVANAUGH SINCE 1954, I THINK — I’M NOT
SURE — BUT THERE IS, TONIGHT, IF I’M NOT MISTAKEN, WE HAVE TO
TAKE A LITTLE BRIEF KAVANAUGH PAUSE — A LITTLE PAUSE IN THE
KAVANAUGH SAGA BECAUSE THE EARLIEST SENATE CAN VOTE ON HIS
CONFIRMATION IS SATURDAY NIGHT. SO I’M GOING TO CATCH YOU UP ON
SOME OF THE STORIES YOU MIGHT HAVE MISSED WHILE BURIED IN THE
BRETT KAVANAUGH AVALANCHE, OR “THE KAVALANCHE” AS NO ONE IS
CALLING IT. SO CALL THE KIDS BACK IN THE
ROOM BECAUSE THIS IS “LESS DEPRESSING NEWS.” ( CHEERING )
FIRST UP, YOU MIGHT HAVE MISSED THAT WE’RE FRIENDS WITH CANADA
AGAIN. ( CHEERING )
YEP. WE CAN’T STAY MAD AT YOU, YOU
MOOSE-LOVING MAPLE-HUFFERS. ( LAUGHTER )
YOU ICE HOLES. ( LAUGHTER )
BECAUSE, ON MONDAY, PRESIDENT TRUMP AND CANADIAN PRIME
MINISTER JUSTIN TRUDEAU ANNOUNCED A NEW TRADE DEAL
REPLACING NAFTA. AND THE RAVE REVIEWS ARE IN. CRITICS HAIL IT AS “MODEST
CHANGES” AND “ALMOST THE SAME AS THE OLD NAFTA BUT WITH A
DIFFERENT NAME.” ( LAUGHTER )
SAME THING, DIFFERENT NAME. THIS IS LIKE WHEN IHOP CHANGED
THEIR NAME TO IHOB, BUT THAT WAS A MORE SIGNIFICANT CHANGE IN
INTERNATIONAL RELATIONS. ( LAUGHTER )
AND TRUMP IS SURE YOU’RE GOING TO LOVE THE NEW NAME.>>AN INCREDIBLE NEW U.S.,
MEXICO, CANADA AGREEMENT, CALLED U.S.M.C.A., SORT OF JUST WORKS–
M.C.A. ( APPLAUSE )
U.S.M.C.A. AND THAT WILL BE THE NAME THAT
99% OF THE TIME WE’LL BE HEARING, U.S.M.C.A. HAS A GOOD RING TO IT.>>Stephen: YEAH. GOT A GOOD RING TO IT. JUST ROLLS OFF THE TONGUE, YOU
KNOW. WHAT’S NAFTA? NAFTA’S DONE. IT’S THE “UNITED
STATES-MEXICO-CANADA AGREEMENT,” OR “NAFTA.” ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) BUT I THINK 99% OF THE TIME —
>>Jon: 99% OF THE TIME.>>Stephen: — 99 P% OF THE
TIME, THAT’S WHAT WE’RE GOING TO BE CALLING IT. BUT HIS OWN ADMINISTRATION IS
HAVING TROUBLE WITH THE CHANGE. ESPECIALLY WHITE HOUSE ECONOMIC
ADVISOR AND MAN TRYING TO PRETEND HE DIDN’T JUST SWALLOW A
BUG, LARRY KUDLOW.>>AND OF COURSE, THE NORTH
AMERICAN DEAL, USA– UH– I GOT TO GET THIS RIGHT, U.S.A.M.C.? ( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: JUDGES — (BUZZER) — SORRY, IT’S
U.S.M.C.A. U.S.A.M.C. IS THE TEAM-UP
BETWEEN THE USA NETWORK AND AMC THAT PRODUCES “AMERICAN ZOMBIE
WARRIOR.” ( LAUGHTER )
SO TRUMP IS TRYING TO HEAL RELATIONS WITH CANADA, BUT
THERE’S STILL WORK TO DO. ONE CANADIAN POLLSTER SAYS,
“TRUMP HAS THE WORST POPULARITY NUMBERS FOR AN AMERICAN
PRESIDENT AMONG CANADIANS THAT I HAVE EVER SEEN. THE NEGATIVE REACTION IS
VISCERAL AND TOTAL.” WHICH EXPLAINS WHY UNTIL TRUMP
LEAVES OFFICE, CANADA HAS CHANGED THEIR FLAG TO THIS. ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
IT’S A LEAK! IT’S A LEAK! IT’S JUST A LEAK. JUST A LEAK. YOU ALSO MAY HAVE MISSED THAT
THE FIRST LADY IS IN AFRICA THIS WEEK, VISITING FOUR COUNTRIES AS
PART OF HER “BE BEST” CAMPAIGN. BECAUSE NO ISSUE IS MORE
RELEVANT TO SUB-SAHARAN AFRICA THAN INTERNET BULLYING. ( LAUGHTER )
ONE OF HER STOPS WAS TO A FORMER SLAVE OUTPOST, BUT SHE WASN’T
THE FIRST FIRST LADY TO VISIT. CNN NOTED THAT MELANIA STOPPED
TO READ A PLAQUE THAT PROCLAIMED THAT IT WAS UNVEILED BY
PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA AND FIRST LADY MICHELLE OBAMA ON THE
OCCASION OF THEIR VISIT IN 2009. OKAY, NOW SHE’S PLAGIARIZING
MICHELLE’S VACATIONS! ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OF COURSE — SURE.

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