Things No One Wants to Admit About Air Travel


So, I just got back from a trip,
and there’s something I noticed. Whenever I travel,
I hate everybody. [ Laughter ] Everything about air travel
is a nightmare, and it all starts
at the airport. Like, how are people
in the security line still confused about the rules?! I was once behind a man —
This is a true story. I was once behind a man who had
to go through the metal detector five times
because he had loose coins in every single one
of his pockets. And I’m just like,
“Fam, how many vending machines do you think your plane
is going to have?” [ Laughter ] Don’t you think it’s weird
that kids under 12 don’t have to
take their shoes off when they go through security? I mean,
I’ve babysat kids before. They are exactly
the type of people who will try to sneak
a bomb on a plane. And I love that nowadays
we have to pay to carry luggage. It’s extra.
It’s an extra fee now. Is the assumption
that carrying clothes to another part of the world
is somehow a luxury? Like, am I supposed to
fly to Europe and not bring a second pair
of underwear? That’s why, straight up, one of
my personal heroes is this woman who wore all of her clothes
on a plane in order to avoid a baggage fee. I mean — [ Cheers and applause ] Hero. Hero. Y’all, she wore seven dresses,
two pairs of shoes, two pairs of shorts,
a skirt, and a cardigan. Or as I like to call it, it’s my “Winter in Canada,
but I’m going dancing” outfit. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] Once you’re on the plane, you hear the same
airline safety speech where they spend as much time
telling you how to put on a seat belt as they do about the slides
that shoot off the plane. It’s very uneven in terms of importance of information,
isn’t it? It’s like, “Yeah, there’s
a restroom right over there, and, uh, by the way, here’s how
to blow up your life vest, you know,
if the plane goes down.” Finally, you know,
the plane takes off, and you think
once you’re in the air you can just sit back and relax. But no. It’s still terrible. You’re just hurtling
through space with 300 strangers in a metal tube
of pressurized farts. Did you know — Check this out. Fax, no printer. Did you know
that the average flight has about 370 liters of farts
in it? [ Audience groans ]
It’s like, damn! I’m surprised they don’t drop
the oxygen masks more often up in that joint! And you know when you hear those
stories about people meeting their soul mate when they sat
next to each other on a plane? Total B.S. Mm-hmm. I always get seated
next to some dude watching porn on his laptop with a free airline blanket
just placed over his lap. I’m like, “Buddy,
we’re on the same flight, and let me just say,
it’s not that cold in here.” I don’t understand why people
watch porn on planes. If you want to get off on
the plane, just do what I do and wait for the turbulence
to hit. [ Laughter ] What? What? What? [ Cheers and applause ] [ Laughs ] Now, y’all, listen. I’m on TV, so I can say I’ve flown
a few first-class flights. But I will never, ever
pay for it. I’m cheap. Straight-up. Proud. I did fly coach
all the way to India for Priyanka Chopra’s wedding. This is fact. Yeah. Yeah. [ Cheers and applause ] And I can guarantee I was the only person at
that wedding that flew coach. In the end, people were like, “Hey, see you
on the flight back,” and I was like, “No, you won’t.” [ Laughter ] By the way, I have to say
the absolute worst seats on the plane are the ones
directly behind first class. Because that’s one row between
fresh-baked artisan bread and a bag of stale peanuts. I mean, you’re close enough
to see that their wine comes from France while economy’s wine straight-up
comes from a prison toilet. Who here sits in the exit row? Raise your hand if you sit in
the exit. Any exit-row people? Okay. Here’s the thing
about the exit row. The exit row is great
because for 49 extra dollars you can sign up to be a hero. Think about this. Every other row on the plane, they’re just traveling
to a destination, whatever. But the exit row? You get extra legroom and potentially
might become The Rock. Just saying. Just saying. [ Cheers and applause ] And the thing
about the exit row, though, is that the minimum age
to sit there is 15! And that’s just too young! I don’t want to put my life
in the hands of a 15-year-old named Jaden! Who is definitely
going to post a TikTok if the plane starts to go down. [ Laughter ] Look, I understand that what I’m criticizing
is essentially a luxury. Air travel is the only way
to get around the world in a reasonable amount of time. I just have one request the next time I get on a plane
with y’all. For the love of God,
please don’t be like this guy. [ Audience groans ] Another man swiping left
on perfectly good options.

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