President Obama’s Weekend of Insults


WELCOME TO “THE LATE SHOW.” I’M STEPHEN COLBERT. AS YOU CAN TELL I’VE GOT MY
SEXY, POST-LABOR DAY VOICE TONIGHT. EVERYBODY ELSE HAVE A GOOD
WEEKEND? ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
EXTRAORDINARY, EXTRAORDINARY. I KNOW WHO DIDN’T HAVE A GOOD
WEEKEND WAS PRESIDENT OBAMA. HE FLEW TO CHINA FOR LABOR DAY
BECAUSE HE WANTED TO SEE WHERE AMERICAN LABOR WENT. AND THE PRESIDENT’S THERE FOR
HIS VERY LAST G-20 SUMMIT. SO THE NEXT TIME HE TALKS
INTERNATIONAL ECONOMICS, IT’LL BE WITH A REALLY BORED PERSON AT
A PARTY. “WHAT’S THAT? OH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH,
MR. PRESIDENT. THOSE TARIFFS REALLY SOUNDED
LIKE A TERRIBLE IDEA. YEAH. HOLD ON ONE SECOND. HELEN!”
( LAUGHTER ) IF YOU EVER HAVE TO BETTER DEAL
SOMEBODY AT A PARTY, JUST YELL THE NAME HELEN AND WALK AWAY. NOBODY’S GOING TO SAY YOU DON’T
KNOW SOMEBODY NAMED HELEN. THERE WAS A BIT OF A ROUGH PATCH
AT THE BEGINNING OF THE MEETING, WHEN CHINESE OFFICIALS WOULDN’T
LET PRESIDENT OBAMA GET OFF AIR FORCE ONE USING THE NORMAL
STAIRCASE, OR “STAIR FORCE ONE,” GOD I HOPE IT’S CALLED. SO OBAMA HAD TO USE A SMALLER
METAL STAIRCASE THAT FOLDED OUT FROM UNDER THE PLANE. THAT’S RIGHT, THE CHINESE MADE
HIM USE THE FOLDAWAY, THE JENNIFER CONVERTIBLE OF STAIRS. NATURALLY, DONALD TRUMP WEIGHED
IN, BECAUSE… ( LAUGHTER )
BECAUSE DONALD TRUMP?>>THEY WON’T EVEN GIVE HIM
STAIRS, PROPER STAIRS. YOU SEE THAT? THERE ARE PICTURES OF OTHER
LEADERS GOING THERE, AND THEY’RE COMING DOWN WITH A BEAUTIFUL RED
CARPET. BUT HE’S COMING DOWN A METAL
STAIRCASE IN THE BACK OF THE PLANE. I GOT TO TELL YOU, THAT WERE ME,
I’D SAY, “YOU KNOW WHAT, FOLKS?” I RESPECT YOU A LOT. LET’S CLOSE THE DOORS. LET’S GET OUT OF HERE.” IT’S A SIGN OF SUCH DISRESPECT.>>Stephen: WAIT A MINUTE,
WAIT. SO THAT’S IT? ( LAUGHTER )
YOU DON’T GIVE HIM THE STAIRCASE AND HE GOES AWAY? ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Jon: THAT MIGHT BE IT. THAT MIGHT BE ALL WE GOTTA DO,
RIGHT?>>Stephen: MR. TRUMP, WHAT
KIND OF STAIRCASE WOULD YOU REALLY NOT WANT? I’ MJUST ASKING FOR MY
GRANDCHILDREN TRUMP KNOWS WHAT HE’S TALKING
ABOUT WHEN HE TALKS ABOUT STAIRS. WHEN YOU MAKE A GRAND ENTRANCE,
YOU DO IT ON A REALLY SLOW ESCALATOR. AND AIRPORT STAIRS WEREN’T THE
ONLY THING INSULTING PRESIDENT OBAMA. HE WAS SUPPOSED TO MEET TODAY
WITH RODRIGO DUTERTE, THE PRESIDENT OF THE PHILIPPINES,
HOPEFULLY TO GET TO THE BOTTOM OF WHY PHILIPPINES IS SPELLED
WITH A “P-H” BUT “FILIPINO” IS SPELLED WITH AN “F.” THAT IS “P-H’d” UP. IN MY OPINION. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BUT THE MEETING HAS BEEN CALLED OFF, BECAUSE WHEN OBAMA SAID HE
WOULD CONFRONT DUTERTE ABOUT HIS SUMMARY EXECUTION OF OVER 2,000
SUSPECTED DRUG OFFENDERS, IN THE FILL FEENS,
DUTERTE DU-TORE HIM A NEW ONE, CALLING PRESIDENT OBAMA THE SON
OF A WHORE.>>Audience: OOOH!>>Stephen: LOOK, I DON’T KNOW
HOW THEY DO THINGS IN THE DON’T ATTACK THE WOMAN WHO GAVE
BIRTH TO THE PRESIDENT. WE ATTACK WHERE SHE GAVE BIRTH. AND IT TURNS OUT PRESIDENT
DUTERTE HAS BIT OF A DUTERTE MOUTH. BECAUSE LAST MONTH, HE INSULTED
THE U.S. AMBASSADOR, SAYING “THE SON OF A WHORE. HE PISSED ME OFF.” AND WHEN THE POPE FRANCIS
VISITED THE PHILIPPINES, HE ATTACKED HIM BY SAYING, “POPE,
SON OF A WHORE, GO HOME.” , OF COURSE, THE POPE IS A HOLY
MAN, VERY PATIENT. HE RESPONDED BY SAYING,
“I WILL GO HOME, RIGHT AFTER I STOP BY YOUR MOM’S.” ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SAY HI. SAY HI. WHAT AN HONOR. WHAT AN HONOR. WHAT AN HONOR TO HAVE THE THE
POPE VISIT YOUR MOM. ( LAUGHTER )
NOW, IN DUTERTE’S DEFENSE, HE’S NOT THE FIRST PERSON TO HURL
THIS INSULT. WE ALL REMEMBER WHEN REAGAN BLEW
UP THE INTERNET WITH THIS.>>MR. GORBACHEV, YOUR MOTHER IS
A WHORE.>>Stephen: IT WORKED, IT
WORKED. THE WALL CAME DOWN. PEOPLE FORGET THAT PART.>>Jon: IT DOES.>>Stephen: THEY ONLY REMEMBER
THE POLITE PARTS OF REAGAN. NOW– CAN YOU REALLY UNDERSTAND
A WORD I’M SAYING RIGHT NOW WITH MY THROAT?>>Jon: YEAH.>>Stephen: IS THIS A GOOD
SOUND?>>Jon: IT’S NICE, IT’S
SMOOTH, LIKE THE RADIO.>>Stephen: THIS IS SMOOTH.>>Jon: THAT’S SMOOTH, BUT
LIKE LOUIS ARMSTRONG SMOOTH.>>Stephen: SO I’M SMOKING A
LOT OF WEED, IS WHAT YOU’RE SAYING. I SOUND LIKE, “OH, THAT IS
NICE.” I FEEL LIKE I SOUND LIKE BRENDA
VICARRO. ASK YOUR PARENTS. NOW, THE PRESIDENT DOESN’T HAVE
TO PUT UP WITH STUFF MUCH LONGER BECAUSE A BUNCH OF PEOPLE OUT
THERE WANT HIS JOB. AND HILLARY CLINTON HAD A ROUGH
TIME CAMPAIGNING THIS WEEKEND. ( COUGHING )
>>I’VE BEEN TALKING SO– ( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: THAT’S A LOT OF COUGHING. YET ANOTHER HILLARY CLINTON
HACKING SCANDAL. ( LAUGHTER )
A QUICK– ( COUGHS )
A QUICK NOTE OF ADVICE: IF PEOPLE ARE QUESTIONING YOUR
HEALTH, MADAM, AND YOU HAVE A TERRIBLE COUGH, DON’T DO IT
STRAIGHT SPOT MIC. BUT HILLARY HAD A NICE RECOVERY.>>EVERY TIME I THINK ABOUT
TRUMP, I GET ALLERGIC. ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>>Stephen: YEAH, SHE GETS
ALLERGIC. WHICH IS BAD NEWS BECAUSE NOT
EVEN HILLARY CAN AFFORD AN EPIPEN. SPEAKING OF– I DIDN’T RAISE THE
PRICES. SPEAKING OF HILLARY, HAVE YOU
HEARD ABOUT THE LATEST F.B.I. REPORT ON HER EMAILS? PROBABLY NOT, BECAUSE THEY PUT
IT OUT THE FRIDAY BEFORE LABOR DAY. YOU CAN’T HIDE THAT NEWS MORE IF
YOU WELDED IT INSIDE A LEAD CAPSULE AND FIRED IT INTO THE
HEART OF THE SUN. AND ONE OF THE BIG REVELATIONS
OF THIS LATEST E-MAIL DUMP IS THAT SECRETARY CLINTON DIDN’T
USE JUST ONE SMARTPHONE IN OFFICE AS SHE ORIGINALLY
CLAIMED, SHE USED UP TO 13 DIFFERENT
MOBILE DEVICES IN FOUR YEARS. 13 CELL PHONES! MADAM SECRETARY, TELL THE TRUTH. ARE YOU A CRACK DEALER? ( LAUGHTER )
BECAUSE I CAN’T FIGURE OUT WHY ELSE YOU WOULD NEED 13 PHONES. MEANWHILE– IT’S ACTUALLY BETTER
IF I TALK UP HERE. IT’S MUCH EASIER. THIS IS MUCH SMOOTHER UP HERE. THIS IS VERY NICE.>>Jon: THAT WORKS, TOO.>>Stephen: MEANWHILE, OVER
THE WEEKEND THE CROWN PRINCE OF TRUMPLAND,
DONALD TRUMP JR., TWEETED THIS PHOTO WITH THE HASHTAG
#MILLENIALSFORTRUMP, AND A LOT OF PEOPLE QUESTIONED THIS
FROM PEOPLE WHO DIDN’T THINK IT WAS REAL, TO PEOPLE WHO THOUGHT
IT LOOKED LIKE A SCIENTOLOGY POSTER BECAUSE THE PHOTO SEEMS
A LITTLE STIFF. BUT THEY HAD A TON OF FUN AT THE
PHOTO SHOOT. I KNOW BECAUSE WE HAVE ACTUALLY
OBTAINED SOME EXCLUSIVE BEHIND-THE-SCENES FOOTAGE. JIMMY?>>OH, MY GOD, YOU’RE ON FIRE,
I’M ON FIRE. SOMEBODY CALLED THE FIRE
DEPARTMENT. WE NEED AN ARSON INVESTIGATION. THIS IS SO AMAZINGLY HOT RIGHT
NOW. LESS, LESS. THAT’S WONDERFUL. YOU’RE YOUNG, YOU’RE FABULOUS. YOU’RE TRUMP CHILDREN. GIVE THAT TO ME. OH, GOOD LORD, YES, ABSOLUTELY. YOU’RE INHUMAN MONSTERS, YOU
RULE THE NIGHT, YOU FEAST ON HUMAN FLESH. PERFECT! ALL RIGHT, YOU’RE YOUNG, YOU’RE
HIP, YOU’RE REACHING OUT TO MILLENNIALS. YOU DON’T CARE. DEVIL MAY CARE. GIVE ME HIP. GIVE ME GREAT. PERFECT. CHANGE IT UP. DO ANYTHING. ANYTHING DIFFERENT. JUST CHANGE IT UP IN ANY WAY AT
ALL. PERFECT. I WANT YOUR EYES TO BE DEAD,
NOTHING, OKAY. YOU JUST REALIZED YOU LIVE IN A
GILDED GAUGE FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, AND THERE’S NO
ESCAPE. OKAY? AND MONEY DOES NOT BUY
HAPPINESS! YES! LET’S SOFTEN THINGS UP A LITTLE
BIT. GIVE ME A LOOK THAT SAYS YOU’VE
ALL AGREED NEVER TO TALK ABOUT THAT HOMELESS MAN YOU KILLED AS
CHILDREN. YES! ALL RIGHT, JUST FOR FUN, I’M
GOING TO SHOOT SOME VIDEO, ALL RIGHT. HOLD THAT LOOK. THAT’S GOOD. HOLD IT. NOW GO CRAZY. PERFECT. NOW CALM DOWN AGAIN. NOW GO CRAZY AGAIN! SHOW ME PASSION! SHOW ME SEXY. HOW ABOUT A LITTLE LAUGH, HA-HA. AND DEAD INSIDE AGAIN. BEAUTIFUL. ALL RIGHT, YOU GUYS WERE
AMAZING. I THINK WE’VE GOT EVERYTHING YOU
NEED. YOU’RE INCREDIBLE TO WORK WITH. LET’S JUST DO ONE MORE SET, AND
THIS IS FOR THE BABY CALENDAR. PERFECT! WE’VE GOT A GREAT SHOW TONIGHT. HARRY CONNICK JR. WILL BE HERE,
AND DONALD TRUMP GOES TO DETROIT. STICK AROUND.

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