Matt Okine – 2017 Melbourne International Comedy Festival Gala


Announcer: Please bang your hands together for the too talented, Matt Okine! Melbourne what is up? There’s a lot of arguments about Australia day this
year. Should we change the date? Should we keep the date? I personally think that we should change the date though. Alright? And it’s not, “buckling to a minority,” which is what
someone suggested to me once, when I said that. Ok, this is not just any minority.
I’m not talking about the bloody, Sandringham Archery Club you know? I’m
talking about first Australians here. If they’re being vocal about an issue then
we should probably listen to it. I’m not up for any arguments about why, you know, we shouldn’t change the date. People are like, “Oh what date could it be?” “What date could we possibly celebrate Australia Day on?” Fucking any day, I don’t care. Who cares what day we celebrate it on? You know put a button next to our beds if we all press it on a Monday? Fuckin’ boom Australia Day, we got it, we did it. Together we couldn’t be fucked, that’s all we did. That’s how we decided. You know, just give me Australia Day,
I’ll choose my Australia Day myself. My boss will be like, “Where were you on Monday?” I’m like “Fuck off, Australia Day. I just couldn’t be bothered man” “Actually, that reminds me, I got four hours of Australia Day next Friday… …gotta go see a man about a dingo.” Doesn’t have to be a date. That’s the thing. Change the date? Doesn’t have to be a date. It can be any any single day in each and every year. We should change every year. Fuck around
a bit. People are like, “Oh, but how will we know when it’s on?” Here’s a question. When the
fuck is Easter? When is that shit? I have no idea. Every single year that shit changes. Sometimes it’s in April.
Sometimes it’s in March. It’s different every year. I thought we were supposed to be celebrating someone’s death here and we can’t even get it down to… …the same month? I mean it’s crazy right? I’ve looked up at how Easter is decided and right? I looked it up and then so it says the
Council of Nicaea in 325 AD declared… …that Easter would be held on or
around the first full moon after the… …vernal equinox in the first half of any
given year. “Oh sweet, I’ll book the babysitter now.” What the fuck are you
talking about? Why are we looking at the moon about Jesus’s death?
I don’t get it. I want a long weekend not a lesson in astronomy. What the fuck is going on? “Oh what day can Australia Day be?” Who gives a shit? Change it to any day, just make sure it’s all-inclusive. I reckon personally, we should make Australia Day, the last Wednesday of April. Every year. That’s just me.
All right? This year, the last Wednesday of April is the 26th of April, oh that’s the day after ANZAC Day, oh shit… …cheeky double-header. Next year last Wednesday April is ahh… the 25th of April. Oh that’s ANZAC Day. Oh shit, double-header. Year after that, last Wednesday of April is the 24th of April… that’s the day before ANZAC…
you see where I’m going here. And then there’s, yeah, a few shit years after that. All right? Fine. But you wait until the year 2038. Oh my God. Yeah the year 2038, Easter lands on the… …latest day that it could possibly be. Where
Easter Sunday is 25th of April, ANZAC Day. So you get Good Friday, you get Easter Saturday, then you get Easter Sunday which is ANZAC Day. You get Easter Monday, ANZAC Day can’t be the Monday, move to the Tuesday. What comes next?
Last Wednesday in April mother fucker. Six in a row! Baby, yeah, yeah, yeah! It’s a long play. But when it pays, it pays. My name’s Matt Okine. Thank you very
much!

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